How One Thing Can Change Everything

When I found out that I would have to make a blog this year, I was excited because essentially I loved writing. However with that notion, I also had no clue what I would even write about. I had no idea for even a theme. I played around with the ideas of reading, writing, and music. Mostly these stuck out to me because these were some of the only things that I enjoyed. Though these were great ideas for me, they weren’t the best because I had no clue what to even write about with them. On the same day I found out that I had to create a blog, my best friend died. She saw how excited I was and she even helped me brainstorm ideas.

A few weeks after she had been gone, I knew exactly what I needed to write about. I had to write about the struggle of moving on and the change I had dealt with. Truth be told, if she was still here, there would be a million things that I wouldn’t be. For starters, I wouldn’t constantly miss her because she would be just a phone call away. I would probably still be with my former boyfriend, blinded by what I thought was love. I’m not sure that I would have met the people I hang out with here or even be as close to them. But, most importantly, I wouldn’t have had to be right back to square one. I wouldn’t have to start over again.

It’s honestly crazy how many things can change from one thing. I never expected myself to be here writing these things. I’m not the carefree person I used to be who would laugh all the time. I’m fairly cautious, looking both ways all the time. I like to plan ahead and see things before they happen. I guess that’s what having to start over for what seems like the millionth time will do to you. A lot of things changed for me when she died. Now I’m not saying they changed specifically because of that reason. For example, I broke up with my boyfriend. However, losing her made me see who was really important and who was just pretending. As with each of those things listed above, something stemmed from my experience with my best friend.

I’m not going to say that I completely believe that everything happens for a reason because I don’t fully believe that. However, one thing can change the outcome of something else. And that something else can lead to the person you are supposed to be.

Understanding What Has Come To Be

Yesterday, I was listening to this song. Shoreline by Deas Vail. It wasn’t the first time that I listened to the song. In fact, I had listened to it multiple times before then. But yesterday, yesterday was the first time I actually heard the music. After that I couldn’t stop listening to the song. I grew so fond of the song that I even researched the band a little and interpreted a meaning from the words that were being spoken.

It turns out the whole song is a lament. A mourning of something that is impossible to have. An essential expression of grief at its finest. Well, not finest, because nothing about grief is fine. It’s normal. I guess that’s the word I’m looking for. But even with the knowledge of knowing it’s normal, doesn’t help. However, besides the point, while it has the lament it also holds another aspect. A simple understanding. Closer to the ending of the song, the singer sings the words “I’ve figured you out” around three times. This is an understanding of a bigger purpose. Something that should be fulfilled. Something that should be done by the person themselves.

With that being said, I entered college smothered with grief. I had just lost my only friend–my best friend. Then I had to dive into the world of college in just under two weeks after. I was put in this new world with new people, seven hours away from my home. I had to figure out how to be happy. How to meet new people and become someone without her. College was supposed to be this big, new adventure. A fresh start, in my case, being so far away from where I actually grew up. However, when I came here, I questioned it all. Of course, people didn’t know because I didn’t want to tell them or they never asked. I wandered around with thoughts of my best friend in my head, with memories and regrets. Words I never got to say clouded my brain. I simply did not understand. I didn’t understand why she had to leave this earth. I just wanted more than anything to be with her. In the midst of all of this, I watched the people around me socialize and make friends. I also didn’t understand how socialization was so easy for them. I mean I was never good at that to begin with. Anyways, with all of that going on, I felt alone. I even asked myself if this was where I needed to be, even though I knew it was before she was gone. I just wanted to go home, because at least there someone would understand.

However, after listening to this song, I realize this is just where I need to be. Not just because I listened to this song; but, because there is something pulling me to stay here. It doesn’t get easier. Well, not at the moment, because I still have many days where all I can do is think of her. However, I know where I need to be and that is here. For what purpose? I’m not sure yet. I realize that at this point in my life I don’t need to understand everything, but I do need to have a sense of understanding. I need to believe that I’m here for some reason and that later I will understand exactly why. That’s enough for me at this moment in my life.