Searching for a Silver Lining

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There are different places and different things that lead each person to their path ahead. There are certain things that lead people to see light in each situation. When my best friend died, I saw light in nothing. Now I had been that way before. Sitting there in a tunnel of darkness was not new to me. It wasn’t the first time that I had felt a total sense of loss and despair. It most certainly won’t be the last time either. But anyways, after she was gone I had nothing but anger and overwhelming sadness built up inside me. I was tired of hearing that everything would be okay. God needed another angel. Or everything happens for a reason. You’ll be okay once again. A person like me did not want to hear these meaningless phrases. Not when I had heard them many times before. When someone dies like that or even just simply leaves abruptly from your life, you don’t automatically think you’ll be okay. You don’t want to think about how everything just happens or whether or not someone else needed them. You just think about how you need them. You think about how you would give anything to have them once again.

With that, I was heartbroken. But most of all, I needed time to be sad. I needed time to let my heart ache for her. I needed to need her back. When you spend almost eight years talking to someone, they become a part of your life. If not, a huge part. Then they leave and there’s this hole in the middle of your chest and there’s no way for it to be filled. I was sitting in a tunnel of darkness with no possibility of light. I couldn’t process what had happened and I needed to. So with every moment of grief, I questioned why we loved people if they always ended up leaving. This led me into an endless spiral of loneliness. I never talked to anyone really about my feelings on what happened. Why? Because I felt like I would get the same meaningless answers. Also, because people didn’t know what to say. I didn’t let anyone in because I couldn’t get over the fact that I had lost her and she would never return. I also believed that no one would ever replace her so I didn’t try.

However, there comes a time when you have to take a risk. You have to take a chance and you have to get back out there. Whether you want to or not. I had to get out there. I had to take the chance of talking to different people. I had to take the chance of loving people again. I had to let go of losing a person that changed my world. That doesn’t mean I had to let them go entirely. I will always have those moments we shared and I will always remember that day because it is forever a part of me. As great as that time was, she’s gone and I can’t bring her back no matter how bad I want to. So I had to move on. I had to step away from the routine that I built for myself. I had to break the routine. To do that, I took a chance. I had my time to ponder everything and now I needed to put the pieces of my heart back together and start again.

So last night when we turned off all of our flashlights and looked up at the sky, I looked all around me at the people I was with. Then looked back up just in time to watch a shooting star fall with them yelling telling us all to look. Shortly after it, we all felt warmth that replaced the freezing cold air that once surrounded us all. Everyone was shocked and amazed. At that moment, with the rush of the water beneath us, I knew that this was my start. This was my moment to begin again. Metaphorically, there was finally a light in all of the darkness. I wasn’t completely there, but one day I might be. That doesn’t mean it makes losing my best friend okay or fine, but it makes it easier to deal with. The pain just might ache a little less. Furthermore, listening to the laughter and music around me, I knew this was my silver lining and I was perfectly okay with that.